I feel sick.
Jul. 22nd, 2004 07:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
onceuponajanuaryAll my best friends are smothered in problems. I feel unworthy thinking about mine, and somehow I feel that I have to either top theirs or worry more about theirs than they do. Can I just have normal empathy? Can I not obsess over over people's lives?
Elise will be going to college soon, which is very good. Meanwhile, I'll keep Evie from killing herself until her mom comes to see that what she's doing is called ABUSE, with a good dash of escapism.
Amy is stressed over Elise's problems, I think. But then I'm no great shakes at empathy, as mentioned above.
And me? I have a bipolar sense of empathy and an aversion to my father. My father, the man who gives up his own money so I can not only eat and sleep, but have nice things like this computer. For all he's done for me, he doesn't deserve this.
But I can't help it! If he says certain things around me or touches me wrong, my brain goes crazy. Neurons everywhere. My pet demon, whispering in my ear to do this or that. Sometimes even when I do, it keeps at it.
That's a creepy metaphor, but it's the way I feel. I feel possessed.
This OCD is foreign, alien, to my brain; it's moved in and made itself comfortable, and made me a puppet. Not all the time, mind you, just when certain things happen. Just one "cannot" or someone stroking my hand, and it gets in, starts playing with my emotions. It managed to catch me when I was young and vulnerable, and it loves me for it.
Right now it's making me short-tempered and irritable. I can't stand the sound of human voices, sometimes. I want to scream. Stop touching me. Stop singing. Stop acknowledging my existence. Just let me be. If everyone would let me be, it wouldn't have any hold anymore. I'd be free.
Free and utterly alone.
So there you have it. The story of my depression in a nutshell. Oddly enough, I feel much better now. About the "pet demon" passage; it's not literal. Don't want you thinking I really hear voices.
Don't worry about my being depressed, just letting the bad blood out, and I'll be much calmer for it. I'm fine. That up there was just a spell.
Elise will be going to college soon, which is very good. Meanwhile, I'll keep Evie from killing herself until her mom comes to see that what she's doing is called ABUSE, with a good dash of escapism.
Amy is stressed over Elise's problems, I think. But then I'm no great shakes at empathy, as mentioned above.
And me? I have a bipolar sense of empathy and an aversion to my father. My father, the man who gives up his own money so I can not only eat and sleep, but have nice things like this computer. For all he's done for me, he doesn't deserve this.
But I can't help it! If he says certain things around me or touches me wrong, my brain goes crazy. Neurons everywhere. My pet demon, whispering in my ear to do this or that. Sometimes even when I do, it keeps at it.
That's a creepy metaphor, but it's the way I feel. I feel possessed.
This OCD is foreign, alien, to my brain; it's moved in and made itself comfortable, and made me a puppet. Not all the time, mind you, just when certain things happen. Just one "cannot" or someone stroking my hand, and it gets in, starts playing with my emotions. It managed to catch me when I was young and vulnerable, and it loves me for it.
Right now it's making me short-tempered and irritable. I can't stand the sound of human voices, sometimes. I want to scream. Stop touching me. Stop singing. Stop acknowledging my existence. Just let me be. If everyone would let me be, it wouldn't have any hold anymore. I'd be free.
Free and utterly alone.
So there you have it. The story of my depression in a nutshell. Oddly enough, I feel much better now. About the "pet demon" passage; it's not literal. Don't want you thinking I really hear voices.
Don't worry about my being depressed, just letting the bad blood out, and I'll be much calmer for it. I'm fine. That up there was just a spell.
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-22 06:11 pm (UTC)Hey, I just had a ridiculous spell. If you feel better for it, I won't try to excorcise you. ;)
Although you might wanna keep some holy water around just in case... =P