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Things I Don't Understand
May. 3rd, 2006 09:07 pmBecause I just feel like being my sarcastic bitchy self today.
1. Evian Water.
I'll admit to drinking bottled water for the taste, but Poland Springs tastes exactly the same as Evian, only better because I only spent a dollar on it. Lady, I promise you you can go out in the rain with your mouth open and get the same thing for free. Hell, you can drink water from your faucet and get basically the same thing. That water was not bottled from a clear, cold spring in the French Alps. It was bottled from somebody's tap in the French Alps and then kind of filtered and chlorinated a little bit. Quit paying three dollars for the same thing that goes in your shower, your washing machine, and yes, your toilet. It's H2O, woman. Putting a brand name on it doesn't change the identity of the compound.
2. Tanning.
Okay, I'll concede to the fact that a little sunlight is good for you. You need a little Vitamin D to stay healthy. But for God's sake, you don't need to lie in what is essentially a giant toaster for an hour straight. If you absolutely must ruin your skin in this way, GO OUTSIDE IN THE REAL SUN. It's the same principle with the Evian water: paying exorbitant amounts for something you can get for free. Also, for those of you who consistently choose to ignore the findings of the medical community, you're not being healthy by tanning. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of wrinkles, moles, and oh yeah, cancer. The "health" thing is just what you and your similarly orange girlfriends tell yourselves in order to hide the fact that you're following an unhealthy trend. In the Victorian era, they had the same thing, only they were obsessed with not getting sun. They also tended to be a lot more attractive and less annoying.
3. Ana/Mia.
Ana/Mia, in case my readers don't scoff at humanity as much as I do, is a pathetic attempt to make anorexia and bulimia socially acceptable by giving them cute little names. If you were really serious about losing weight, you'd do it by eating healthier and exercising more, not by denying yourself food until you pass out and wind up in the hospital. And bulimia? Puking. Enough said. If you're that obsessed with having a 20-inch waist--and I can't imagine why you would want to look like a Barbie doll with all the plastic shaved off--get a corset. I know, I know, it hurts and you like to starve yourself because you're mentally diseased, uh-huh.
4. Breast Implants.
Breasts were originally intended to provide milk for newborn babies. Nowadays, no one breastfeeds anymore, and breasts exist primarily for men to stare at and make lewd comments. This has become such an issue that a woman with her top off is less socially acceptable than a man with his zipper down... and no underwear. Now you want to reduce yourself to a sex object of men by sticking bags of silicone in there for them to gawk at? You are not your breasts, woman. Accept your breasts whatever size they are. Big, small, medium, it's all good as long as you don't shove them in people's faces as if attempting to scream to the world, "I exist solely for men to have sex with me!"
5. Preteen Sluts.
We have books in the library where I work that center around the very topic of girls younger than myself having sex. Strangely, most of these books do not seem to use the words "too young", "not ready", "pregnancy", or "condom" anywhere. They are fictionalized accounts of preteen girls hopping into bed quite merrily with boys who only date them for that reason, and consist mostly of words like "love", "hawt", "amazing", and "cute". I read an interview with the author of one of these books, in which she explained her decision to have a 14-year-old have sex in her book as the character's having "a healthy sexual appetite". I'm all for sexual liberation, but there are so many things fundamentally wrong with this viewpoint that I shall merely conclude by saying that I am 16, a virgin, and quite happy to remain that way.
1. Evian Water.
I'll admit to drinking bottled water for the taste, but Poland Springs tastes exactly the same as Evian, only better because I only spent a dollar on it. Lady, I promise you you can go out in the rain with your mouth open and get the same thing for free. Hell, you can drink water from your faucet and get basically the same thing. That water was not bottled from a clear, cold spring in the French Alps. It was bottled from somebody's tap in the French Alps and then kind of filtered and chlorinated a little bit. Quit paying three dollars for the same thing that goes in your shower, your washing machine, and yes, your toilet. It's H2O, woman. Putting a brand name on it doesn't change the identity of the compound.
2. Tanning.
Okay, I'll concede to the fact that a little sunlight is good for you. You need a little Vitamin D to stay healthy. But for God's sake, you don't need to lie in what is essentially a giant toaster for an hour straight. If you absolutely must ruin your skin in this way, GO OUTSIDE IN THE REAL SUN. It's the same principle with the Evian water: paying exorbitant amounts for something you can get for free. Also, for those of you who consistently choose to ignore the findings of the medical community, you're not being healthy by tanning. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of wrinkles, moles, and oh yeah, cancer. The "health" thing is just what you and your similarly orange girlfriends tell yourselves in order to hide the fact that you're following an unhealthy trend. In the Victorian era, they had the same thing, only they were obsessed with not getting sun. They also tended to be a lot more attractive and less annoying.
3. Ana/Mia.
Ana/Mia, in case my readers don't scoff at humanity as much as I do, is a pathetic attempt to make anorexia and bulimia socially acceptable by giving them cute little names. If you were really serious about losing weight, you'd do it by eating healthier and exercising more, not by denying yourself food until you pass out and wind up in the hospital. And bulimia? Puking. Enough said. If you're that obsessed with having a 20-inch waist--and I can't imagine why you would want to look like a Barbie doll with all the plastic shaved off--get a corset. I know, I know, it hurts and you like to starve yourself because you're mentally diseased, uh-huh.
4. Breast Implants.
Breasts were originally intended to provide milk for newborn babies. Nowadays, no one breastfeeds anymore, and breasts exist primarily for men to stare at and make lewd comments. This has become such an issue that a woman with her top off is less socially acceptable than a man with his zipper down... and no underwear. Now you want to reduce yourself to a sex object of men by sticking bags of silicone in there for them to gawk at? You are not your breasts, woman. Accept your breasts whatever size they are. Big, small, medium, it's all good as long as you don't shove them in people's faces as if attempting to scream to the world, "I exist solely for men to have sex with me!"
5. Preteen Sluts.
We have books in the library where I work that center around the very topic of girls younger than myself having sex. Strangely, most of these books do not seem to use the words "too young", "not ready", "pregnancy", or "condom" anywhere. They are fictionalized accounts of preteen girls hopping into bed quite merrily with boys who only date them for that reason, and consist mostly of words like "love", "hawt", "amazing", and "cute". I read an interview with the author of one of these books, in which she explained her decision to have a 14-year-old have sex in her book as the character's having "a healthy sexual appetite". I'm all for sexual liberation, but there are so many things fundamentally wrong with this viewpoint that I shall merely conclude by saying that I am 16, a virgin, and quite happy to remain that way.
