onceuponajanuary

I feel as though I need to apologize for this.

You see, I have a shameful habit of reading smutfic while high. Bad smutfic, because try as I might I cannot seem to do anything in a serious manner while high, including be horny. And given that I have a few days off right now, I've been high maybe 46 of the last 48 hours. Unfortunately for me, there is only one story in the Le Chevalier D'Eon section, and it is this:

A Knight and His King

The rest of this review will get progressively worse, so I'm just gonna cut it off now.

To those of you who have seen Le Chevalier D'Eon, it will be perfectly understandable that I spent about five minutes staring at that title, murmuring "nonononononono" under my breath. For the rest of you, this is Chevalier's version of Louis XV:

Yeeeeaaaaah, he's not one of the series' better-designed characters. Maybe since he wasn't part of the Estrogen Brigade Bait Musketeers they didn't feel the need to actually draw him or anything, I don't know. Call me crazy, but I can't really get off with the most nondescript face in the history of faces in front of me. I mean, he might as well not have a face for all the good it's doing him. In fact, let me fire up Photoshop and we'll compare.

Actually, quick art activity for you kids: draw a better face for the king than the one he has in the show. Whoever draws my favorite gets my approval and maybe a fic or something, rest of you get jack shit because this isn't kindergarten and I don't have to give you an award just for trying. Oh, and getting back to why I find Louis XV sexually repulsive, he's also the King of France so you know any kids of his will carry several generations' worth of inbred birth defects.

I've spent long enough spewing bile at the title, so onto the summary, I suppose.

Ch. 3 up. King Louis XV and D'Eon romance . Set at Versailles, pre-french revolution. Yaoi, first time, oral, lime in ch.3. Ch.4 will be mostly lemon, working on it.

...Okay. Let's take that one sentence at a time.

Ch. 3 up.

So there are not one, not two, but three chapters of this madness.

King Louis XV and D'Eon romance .

First of all, don't put a space between the last letter of a sentence and the fucking punctuation mark. Secondly, involving D'Eon in this is just fucking unforgivable. This is the prettiest boy (for a certain value of "boy") in the series, and that's saying something when even Maximilien fucking Robespierre is a bishounen. He deserves to be deflowered by a person with an actual face, for fuck's sake. I don't think I said "fuck" enough in this paragraph to express the depth of my hatred for this pairing, so here's one more: Fuck.

Set at Versailles, pre-french revolution.

The entire series is pre-French Revolution (it's capitalized, by the way, since it's kind of an important historic event when a country's entire government gets reordered), you dumb bint. As for it being set in Versailles, I think you can at least trust the intelligence of Chevalier fans enough to realize that the King of France is probably not in Hokkaido.

Yaoi, first time, oral, lime in ch.3.

Great, so not only is it yaoi with a pairing I despise, it's ~kyoot first-time yaoi~ as well. Were this the 70's and were this fic a manga (something that I deeply hope never come true) there would be bubbles and sparkles and rose petals everywhere. Well, fuck that.

Ch.4 will be mostly lemon, working on it.

I am intensely glad that Chapter 4 never came to fruition.

So, let's review:
- This is a yaoi between a king whose face may as well not exist and his faithful crossdressing bishie knight.
- Not only that, it's apparently the yaoi equivalent of the sex scene in the Rose of Versailles manga.
- The author thinks we are stupid enough not to know when and where it takes place despite it involving LOUIS XV.
- There are three chapters of it.
- Seriously. Three motherfucking chapters.

Got all that? Great, then let's get this over with as quickly as possible.

I'm not even going to bother summarizing the plot of this chapter. It's a bad rehash of a Chevalier episode, and is almost entirely identical to the episode in question save some added yaoi hints. In brief: D'Eon talks back to the king. The end.

From the first line you know this fic is not going to make any sense.

The young knight d’Eon bowed before his king, Louis XV of France, clutching a silver cross to his chest, the proof he abandoned all else living to serve his country.

Okay, dear, we don't need to be introduced to the characters. Seriously, we've all seen the show. Putting that aside, I'm confused as to how you made the cross---->patriotism jump, considering a cross is generally a religious and not patriotic symbol in the Western world. Unless your D'Eon is Italian or from one of those countries with an ill-advised cross on the flag, the two aren't really the same. And if that last sentence is true, the fuck have you been smoking.

Mourning the loss of his late sister, Lia, drove him from the depths of grief when he said “It is my will, and a sign of allegiance to my country, to inherit her duty!” The day Louis XV relieved him duty marked a new beginning.

He can't have relieved him already, we're not in Chapter 3 yet!

The other members of the King’s Secret, Durand, Tellagory and Robin flanked d’Eon in the king’s audience chamber at Versailles.

The one at Versailles, not the one at Buckingham Palace.

Taking the king’s lavish outer coat, his attendant the Duke Broglie turned toward them in address. “Knights of the King, the four of you have done well in the completion of this mission.”

Their postures straightened with pride.

“But from here on, you are relieved of your duties as members of the King’s Secret,” Broglie abruptly added, quirking an eyebrow up over his one open eye.

He... quirked an eyebrow up over his eye? You know, I'm trying to picture this but I just can't.

Rising up, d’Eon protested, stepping forward. “Your Majesty! Have we displeased you?” Ignoring Broglie, d’Eon stopped a foot behind the king. “Was it because we let the Russian escape? Please, Your Majesty,” his tremulous voice cried out.

And here we have D'Eon's "tremulous" voice, cementing his role as the uke in this pairing. Because all ukes have girly voices.

“D’Eon de Beaumont, you should listen to the end,” Broglie advised sternly, glaring at d’Eon with his other open eye.

I... okay. Broglie only has one eye open at any given time. You are aware of this, given that a few sentences ago Broglie "quirk[ed] an eyebrow up over his one open eye." He can't glare at D'Eon with his "other" open eye, because that implies that there was another open eye besides that one. I mean, I'd love to read the "other" Chevalier D'Eon smutfic instead of this one, but there's only one. That's kind of how numbers work.

“An open act of defiance like that is treason,” Durand warned, whispering in his ear as Broglie led them out. “Which warrants imprisonment in the Bastille over death if one’s lucky.”

Durand, I know D'Eon's pretty dumb at this point in the series, but I think he at least knows what treason is.

“Please, Durand,” d’Eon requested politely. His emerald irises narrowed and lips tightened in anger. “Silence.”

See? Total uke.

Pacing toward the large glass window, framing a panoramic view of Versailles’s lovely gardens, Louis grinned, more amused than cheeky over d’Eon’s bold behavior.

Wow, that is not even close to what "cheeky" means. In addition, that second adverb clause leads me to picture Louis being fat enough that he actually surrounds the gardens.

“Most, if not the entire court bores me with their pomp and frivolity,” Louis detested. “Except Sir d’Eon.” His name brought a smile, brightening his countenance. “Among Us, Queen Marie speaks highly of him.”

I know "Us" is meant to actually be a plural there, but the phrasing just makes me think of a two-headed Marie/Louis creature to which Louis is referring in the majestic plural.

Striding down the hall outside, d’Eon fumed. “His Majesty questions my loyalty!” the young aristocratic declared.

The young aristocratic what?!

Under fancy glass chandeliers, lavish ceiling frescos painted in playful Rococo, diffused light streamed in through wall high windows, reflected off mirror walls.

Well, those were a lot of pointless frilly adjectives.

Durand, Suddenly, Durand’s reflection broke away from Robin and Tellagory’s, now covering d’Eon’s.

Durand, Suddenly, Durand's mother really hated him when he was born.

“D’Eon, calm down,” Durand imposed, towering slightly over his comrade. “The king’s decision is clear.”

I can’t, it hurts right here. Squeezing the cross Lia gave him before her death, his heart ached profusely. My sister died serving the man who relieves me! He stormed off back to the king’s audience chamber.

...I... just... there are NO FUCKING QUOTATION MARKS. She left out the quotation marks, even though she used them correctly in the PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH. That defies all logic. Either you use quotation marks every time someone speaks, or you don't, and you have to be an actual good writer to pull off the latter.

“Let him go,” Tellagory added soberly. “He still mourns her loss. Only two weeks have since passed.”

And what about my mourning, sensei? Durand wished to express. My Lia, my love…

A. Lia was never Durand's lover in canon. She was engaged to someone else. Kind of eliminates all other shipping opportunities.

B. I'm going to hunt this girl down and brand quotation marks on the cheeks of her backside.

“Nee-san, how can I keep my promise when I’ve lost faith in His Majesty?” D’Eon asked himself, catching his breath outside the king’s chamber.

Nee-san.

Nee-san.

He said... NEE-SAN.

HE'S FRENCH, YOU STUPID FUCK. THE SERIES IS SET IN FRANCE. HE DOES NOT KNOW JAPANESE AND NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE HERE. EVEN IF HE DID, REFERRING TO YOUR SISTER AS "NEE-SAN" WHEN IT'S NOT YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE IS FUCKING RETARDED.

Memories of Lia’s skin white as snow flashed through mind the last they spoke. She glowed like an angel clasping her hands over his, gripping her memento, the cross he now wore. Please, d’Eon, she implored. Stay as you are, with a sincere and loyal heart.

“Nee-san, I can’t. Forgive me for the treason I am to commit by openly questioning His Majesty.”

Again: FRENCH. YOU. STUPID. FUCK.

Swallowing his pain, d’Eon tensed, his delicate frame wracked in fear. “But how am I to live, when my duty to the man I’ve sworn to serve, is no more?”

The day His Majesty knighted me, is the day I abandoned all else, d’Eon thought, knocking hesitantly on the king’s door.

I can almost excuse that one because he's not actually speaking, but I'm not high enough to not be a punctuation nazi.

Wearing a regal air, almost cold and unspoken, the king continued writing, quill pen in hand on fine parchment, his back turned away. “I shall attend to this audience in private,” he said calmly.

I have to admit, that's a damned good euphemism. I am considering using "attending to this audience in private" in place of my usual "stick his sword in her magical lake."

Silence penetrated the very air the king and knight breathed in. Instantly, the king’s façade shifted revealing his true self. Gazing up shyly, confusion twisted his soft but angular features. Bewildered, d’Eon averted his sight, dropping to one knee on the floor. Rumors of the king’s incompetence due to his shyness and indecision circulated concerning his real persona in private, but d’Eon never believed them.

I... I think my brain just broke trying to imagine Chevalier's Louis as "shy."

This was the king at heart: a timid, intelligent, yet open-minded man who believed in the Enlightenment. Reason and logic over religion, the Enlightenment hearkened back to Greece, opposing the church’s ways.

Reason and logic are the same thing, you imbecile.

“I have returned to speak, Your Majesty,” the exquisite knight began.

That is the first time I have ever heard a person referred to as "exquisite." I sincerely hope it will be the last.

All fear having melted, d’Eon remembered the king he met a few days ago at Lia’s crypt under the palace church.

Who was apparently different from the one he was currently speaking to. How many kings does France have?

Duke Broglie’s inquiry as to why d’Eon stowed away the documents from Russia stuck a wary chord.

Then His Majesty said sympathetically, Our knight, Sir d’Eon, you kept them because you seek to know the reason for Lia’s death. Is that true?

With no quotation marks. Of course. Because who needs quotation marks in France anyway.

Yes, Sir, d’Eon had replied, surprised by his thoughtfulness.

You are Lia’s brother, are you not? The king inquired, closing all distance between them.

No, they just randomly have the same surname and look incredibly similar. YOU KNOW THAT, LOUIS, DON'T MAKE IT A QUESTION.

Before d’Eon could answer the king had reached out touching his round feminine face.

I would bitch some more about the uke always being the girly one, but it's actually true in D'Eon's case.

Frozen, d’Eon quivered, feeling His Majesty’s fingertips over his trembling lips. At first d’Eon suspected he did to compare his likeliness to Lia’s.

Thinking deeper in the present, d’Eon recalled a longing within the king’s amethyst eyes.

No living person has ever had or will ever have amethyst eyes. That is not a color that occurs in nature. Get off the drugs, D'Eon.

“I would like to know, Dear Sir, the reason for my relief,” d’Eon asked gently, glancing up at His Majesty still seated.

I don't think you address a monarch as "Dear Sir," but what do I know, I'm an American.

“Our safety and yours, my knight.” Speaking intimately, Louis crouched timidly towards d’Eon, weight on his knees. “France’s enemies must believe she has weakened Her guard, lest they suspect Our intensions.

Finally, His Majesty addressed him as my knight, a personal servant of the crown, not as our knight, one of many in the King’s Secret guard.

Okay, this is even more mind-boggling than the lack of quotation marks in earlier paragraphs. Here we have a lonely, single opening quotation mark, with no twin at the end to complete the quote. Not only is this terribly sad, but as the chapter abruptly ends at this point, it leaves us to believe that the quote encapsulates the next paragraph (which already makes zero sense) and bleeds on into the next chapter (which makes less than zero sense). From this I can only conclude that the author knows you're supposed to have quotation marks around quotes, but doesn't care. Let's get one thing straight here, "Yamiyugikun": I am the daughter of a former English teacher. I was bred to take vengeance on people like you. I WILL find you, and you WILL use punctuation properly even if you die doing it.

As I said, the chapter ends here, and I can't take this anymore. I'll be back later with Chapter 2, for all your reading "pleasure."