onceuponajanuary: (Default)
[personal profile] onceuponajanuary
As you could probably guess from the title, I will be continuing to spork "A Knight and His King" today. As usual, this is very NSFW.


When last we left our designated statutory rape victim hero, he was talking back to the King, and there were no quotation marks. We return to exactly the same moment in the story, which begs the question of why a chapter jump was necessary here. I suppose it does give the reader a much-needed reprieve from the horror, though.

There are quotation marks this time, but we'll see how long that lasts.

“Your Majesty, I apologize for questioning you.” Backlit by the morning light, a dim halo glowed around d’Eon. The loveliest youth in France with long golden hair, skin white as snow, eyes greener than emeralds, a sweet round face, slender delicate frame, and musical baritone voice made even the men swoon at his sight.

To be fair, D'Eon is pretty enough in canon that he can pass for his sister with little trouble, but this just seems like overkill. I had flashbacks to Sleeping Beauty reading the author's description of him here. Unfortunately for D'Eon, he does not at this point fall into a coma to be rescued by the kiss of a handsome prince, hopefully one with a face.

“I suppose the Bastille is only fitting,” he whispered, recalling Durand’s prior warning.

D'Eon's trying to sound remorseful here, but really he just wants to go to the Bastille because he'll be safe from Louis there.

A low chuckle, soft and deep escaped the king. “I’m not my predecessor who lies underground.” Louis XV referred to the previous monarch, Louis XIV, the Sun King otherwise known for his militarism.

More clumsy exposition that is made very clear in the series with a good deal less circumlocution.

Quiet, but attentively Louis noticed his pained expression. “You still grief your sister’s, loss, do you not?” On his feet, the king gracefully strode over to d’Eon by the window.

No, he doesn't. He grieves it, perhaps. Griefing is a different thing altogether, and however amusing it would be to watch D'Eon charge into his sister's funeral and start killing people while shouting Duke Nukem quotes, he's just not that kind of person.

“Yes, Sir…I do.” Sniffling, d’Eon shut his eyes, fighting back the tears. He never grieved openly since the church refused to bury Lia’s mercury preserved body.

...sniffling? I know he's the girly pretty boy in this series, but he's not five.

“I was an infant when my mother suddenly died.”

Because having your mother die when you're too young to remember it is totally the same thing as losing your sister after having grown up with her. Louis, you suck at commiserating.

Speaking solemnly, the king stopped beside d’Eon, towering slightly in height as well as stature.

...as Allison cried in pain as well as anguish.

“At age five, my remaining family passed too.”

Again, kind of not really the same thing at all.

Hearing his compassionate tone, d’Eon glanced up, lost in the king’s sentimental gaze.

Am I the only one noticing that that this story is cluttered with modifying clauses that have nothing to do with the rest of the sentence they appear in? The above sentence could be shortened to "D'Eon glanced up" and NOTHING WOULD BE CHANGED. The fact that he was noticing the king's compassionate tone (which is odd, since you don't normally sound compassionate when talking about how your relatives died, but whatever) is irrelevant, and being "lost in the king's sentimental gaze" doesn't even make sense with the verb. He can't be lost in the king's gaze already when he's only just glanced up. People, let this be a lesson to you: Modifying clauses are like cilantro. In moderation they add flavor and spice to the meal. Too many of them and you just want to brush your teeth to get the taste out.

Silvery strands of hair parted back in front and slightly down the middle framed his face, chiseled yet gentle in demeanor.

I... you can't do anything "back in front." Do you even know what those words mean? Do you know what ANY of these words mean?

His brows twisted up and mouth fell slightly open at d’Eon, who bit his lower lip down in frustration.

I think you wrote this line prematurely, author; the sex scene isn't until next chapter. Don't worry, though, it happens to everyone.

Desperate with anguish, d’Eon finally cried burying his face in the king’s strong chest.

What.

You can't see me, but I'm staring at this line with the same delicate mixture of horror, shock and despair as one would stare at the site of an atomic bombing.

Let me just clarify something here. D'Eon is a KNIGHT. He's not the toughest knight in the series, but he's a knight nonetheless. He does not weep in public, and he definitely does not use the king's coat as a handkerchief. But that wouldn't work for this author, who for some reason thinks D'Eon is a tender delicate flower, so she made him act like a whiny bitch. Combined with Durand's comment about Lia in the last chapter, it seems everyone in this fic has been dunked in whiny bitch sauce.

“Lia served me faithfully as you do now,” Louis replied wearily, letting his chin sink on d’Eon’s narrow shoulder.

What, she cried on you all the time?

I’m not worthy of such praise, Your Majesty, the young knight would say if not mourning from Lia’s death.

Not even halfway through the chapter and already she's stealing quotation marks.

Beautiful and sad, like France herself is now, Louis reflected poetically, cupping d’Eon’s cheeks.

Considering the sort of people currently defending it, yes, I imagine France is rather sad.

“Your…Majesty?” Blinking, a tear streamed down d’Eon’s smooth white face.

D'Eon wasn't blinking, the tear was.

Watching it roll on his hand, the king studied how it glistened like a diamond in the sun. Multiple points of light played in its depths, drawing him further in to d’Eon’s lovely features.

Light refraction: UR DOIN IT RONG.

His heart beat fast in his chest against all outer composure.

This feeling, he thought, slightly blushing.


And now we find out that the king can't even think in complete sentences. France is sad indeed.

Tilting back d’Eon jaw, Louis inclined forward, gracing his knight with a kiss.

I'm going to pretend this is one of the platonic kisses French people give each other as a greeting, because my brain won't accept anything else.

Lost between dream and reality, d’Eon’s lids fluttered shut.

...because he had been roofied into a helpless whiny bitch by the author in order to fit him into this horrid story.

Lips pursed, quivering, he felt his entire being melt.

Ew.

Even Lia’s soul inside him seemed to calm feeling the king’s deep love.

...Is that a hint that Louis was fucking Lia too? Because if so, that's just really creepy.

Silent in the moment, d’Eon still trembled, his heart soothing over. “I…I…” His choked baritone trailed off.

"His heart soothing over." Think about that one for awhile.

“Sir d’Eon, you will always be my knight,” he whispered in d’Eon’s ear, his cheek flushed next to d’Eons.

I'm getting the sense that the author hasn't even finished the series. Louis orders D'Eon killed. Yeah, kinda changes the relationship between the two, doesn't it?

That rich bass voice



flowing in began to wash out d’Eon’s sorrows. “Yes, my liege.” As d’Eon said that, a faint smile rose on his lips.

This chapter is mercifully short, so it ends here. But this is the beginning of the end, folks, so don't get too excited. Next time: the buttsex.

From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.

Profile

onceuponajanuary: (Default)
onceuponajanuary

January 2012

S M T W T F S
1234567
89101112 1314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 07:20 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios